Coping with Quarantine
No doubt you already know the standard advice for getting through this pandemic with your sanity intact.
Exercise
Get outside
Connect with people
Eat well
Don’t use alcohol as a substitute for self-care
Keep to a routine
Sound familiar?
It’s good advice, for sure. But we’re a few weeks in now, and our collective patience is growing ragged. It’s time for something…more.
Now, while you know me for my traveler and writer hats, you may not know I also don clinical psychologist and life coach hats. Nowadays, like you, I’m juggling all my hats. All the time. As I’ve been working with folks these last few weeks (remotely! #iorestoacasa!), I noticed some of my suggestions for coping with the new reality surprised people. I want to share those, in case they're helpful for you, too. We could always be better at protecting our mental health, right?
And in no time is that more true than during a pandemic.
Of course, a blog post isn’t a substitute for therapy. Real therapy comes from applying these to your own life, figuring out where you get stuck, practicing a different frame, and reflecting on your progress. Obviously, this isn’t that.
Consider it instead a way to open up new ideas about how to get through this time. Because, what I’ve noticed? The more our lives become a methodical series of days, the more I see people tuning into the roller coaster that is their emotional fallout. So some of the suggestions will mean something to you today, and some might hit home next week. In any case, I hope at least one of these suggestions helps you keep your center in an increasingly topsy-turvy landscape.
How to Stay Steady in an Unsteady World: The Pandemic Primer
1. Understand that we all struggle differently. People invariably begin by telling me, “It’s hard, but it’s hard for everyone, you’re probably sick of hearing the same thing all the time.” The thing is, I’ve talked to a lot of people and every single one of them struggles around a different aspect of this pandemic. Ask yourself what you find challenging. Ask your loved ones about what’s hard for them. No assumptions; it’s not only okay for people to struggle differently, it’s expected. Age, experience, financial fallout, isolation, ambient stress, etc etc—it all impacts what part of this pandemic brings us down.
2. No more #firstworldproblems apologies. Declaring that your struggle is stupid because at least you don’t need a ventilator doesn’t help you and it doesn’t help the person who needs a ventilator. It only makes you feel bad for feeling bad. Which makes you less emotionally resilient. Instead, acknowledge that you are allowed to feel bad. I’m not prescribing sulking here, but at least do yourself the courtesy of making room for your own emotions.
3. Forcing gratitude does not work. Have you heard people listing the reasons they should feel grateful with a deadpan voice? Clearly, that’s not working. Gratitude really is an exceptional balm, but demanding that you feel gratitude is an emotional bellyflop. Rather than forcing gratitude where it doesn’t fit (like while you’re tired from Zoom and just want a hug), open the door for gratitude. Mindfulness works here (there are apps, but I love this FREE drop-in class on Mondays and Thursdays through the Contemplative Sciences Center at UVA), by slowing down your thoughts and tuning you into the moment enough to feel grateful for it. It’s also helpful to be on the look out for naturally occurring gratitude. Where it flickers, fan it—when you are sitting outside with your spritz and wave at a passing neighbor and it feels so normal you can’t help but grin. When you are taking photographs of spring flowers and you’re rocked on your heels by their tender beauty. When you stop pouring the Cheerio’s because you notice with a laugh that they are hearts, not circles, a fact you missed because you tossed the box as soon as it entered your home. Notice those moments. Open them up a little. That’s where gratitude lives.
4. Eliminate should statements. If you are my client, you’ll be grinning right now, because you’ve heard me say this a zillion times. Should statements are anathema to a healthy spirit—they suck motivation and create a layer of guilt that works like a straightjacket for finding your joy. No more! Rather than thinking, “I should go for a run”, change that to “I’ll feel good after a run.” Rather than “I should want to work on my scrapbooks like everybody else”, change that too, “Maybe other people have the bandwidth for that now, but my boxes are overwhelming when I’m spending so much time balancing homeschooling and my job. I’ll either kick this can down the road or break it into manageable chunks.” Notice those should statements and work to change them to something more adaptive. I’m not asking you to lie to yourself or to enable bad behavior, I’m encouraging you to watch how you talk to yourself. Because that has everything to do with motivation.
5. Stop assuming you “should” make this quarantine enriching for your children. You are exhausting yourself. Yes, children do sometimes go off the rails when they are given constant screens (depends on the kid), so I’m not saying take your hands off the parenting reins altogether. But don’t make them do extra math. Don’t try to plan something “fun” each day. Rather than thinking about how to be a super-parent (your version probably looks like an amalgam of all the people you see on Instagram, but remember, that’s an amalgam! You will have parenting wins yourself, but NOT all the time), think about Little House on the Prairie. Those kids made their own fun. And because Pa refused to sign up for Netflix, ordinary, even boring things, became fun. With time, without rushing from obligation to obligation, we sink into smaller moments. We extend them, find beauty in nuance rather than in flashing entertainment. Let your kids figure it out a little. You don’t have to be their cruise director. Now, if you want to add a little something to your collective days but are coming up stumped, consider simple, functional, grounding, scientific, art activities all rolled into one—homesteading. Here’s a post I wrote on easy ideas you can incorporate into your life, like sprinkling some seeds on a patch of earth. But if you don’t roll that way, roll your way! All I’m saying is let’s take the pressure off. Do what feels natural for you and your family.
6. Do what you can, let go of the rest. Listen, I know it’s hard. We all worry about people in dire straits, either physically, mentally, or financially. It’s a lot of weight to carry and I see it leading to ruminative anxiety. Which, again, helps no one. Think about it. Does it help others more for you to be grounded, a safe place to land? Or for you to be rattled and anxious? So, rather than getting subsumed in worry, do what you can. And let go of the rest. If you’re worried about your friend with a small business, ask how you can help, ask others to help via sharing information, donate money to a Go Fund Me, check in with how your friend is doing so they have a place to express their fears. Do what you can. And if you experience some happiness later as you play a game with your family, great! Good for you! Your happiness adds to the world, you don’t owe anybody misery. Let go of the rest.
7. Stop listening to the news. Or give yourself a holiday once in awhile. I promise, if anything important happens, you’ll know. I said this in my last newsletter and heard it was helpful, so I figure it bears repeating. I learned this one myself because with my kid home from college, he’s playing a lot of piano. Which means that rather than listening to the news when I’m cooking, I’m listening to Chopin. Nowadays, when I sit down to dinner, I’m ready. Not frazzled and itching for my phone. News, like anything screen related, is addictive. Approach with caution.
8. Between chaos and monotony there is this: rhythm. Everyone’s proper place on the scale is different, it’s your job to be a scientist and figure it out. But in general, a daily rhythm is helpful. Time to eat, time to read, time to exercise, all in a quasi-predictable (not but strict) pattern. But do break it up. Go farther afield for your walk. Shatter the grind of making meals by ordering in. Watch something new. Have dessert before dinner. And here’s the part people don’t think about—> don’t waste the serotonin spurt that comes from novelty by making those breaks in monotony a surprise. Tell your family that you’ll be having pizza and movie night on Tuesday. That way, all Tuesday, whenever anyone remembers the plan, they’ll get the little burst of happiness that comes from looking forward to something. We need those serotonin kicks to get us through the lockdown.